Break Free from the 'If Only' Mindset: 6 Positive Strategies for Parenting Your Teen

Byron Katie, creator of ‘The Work,’ wisely says, “When you argue with reality, you lose... 100% of the time.” This is especially true for parents who find themselves stuck in the land of "if only."

It’s an easy trap to fall into when you think, "If only my teenager would..." and try to force your reality on them. When we argue with what is, we become stuck, unable to make progress, and frustrated that nothing is changing.

I used to be one of those parents who obsessed about what I wished was different. Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking: "If only my teen took school more seriously," or "I can't stand the way she speaks to me," or "If only he would grow up!"

These thoughts, while common, only amplify frustration and make it harder to respond to your teen in a neutral, les charged way.

More emotions breed more conflict, and more conflict keeps you stuck exactly where you don't want to be. So, how do you break this pattern and start making positive changes?

𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝑪𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈. Make a conscious decision to stop arguing with reality. Complaining focuses on what you don’t want, creating a negative mindset.

Instead, shift your language to what you want to happen. For example, instead of, "If only he cared more about school," shift your thought to, "I’d love to see him invest more in his education, and I’m here to support that."

𝑪𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑻𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚. Don’t underestimate the power of your thoughts. The stories we tell ourselves shape how we feel and how we react to situations. The energy of thoughts is real and attracts similar energy and attitudes from the people around you.

You know how when someone is in a bad mood and it can put you on edge, too? That’s the power of negative thoughts. Their effect spreads like a virus.

Instead of dwelling on what you perceive as your teen’s shortcomings, shift to what you’d like to experience. If your mind is constantly replaying "she never listens," you're setting yourself up to only see that behavior. Choose to shift your thinking to what you want to see more of.

𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔. Words are incredibly powerful. Once spoken, they can’t be unsaid, and even the most sincere apology can’t erase their impact.

Speak slowly and thoughtfully, especially when emotions are high. Taking a pause before responding can make all the difference between escalating a situation or finding a solution.

𝑭𝒐𝒄𝒖𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒕𝒉𝒔. We often spend too much time emphasizing the challenges our kids face. Instead, start focusing on their strengths.

What are they good at? Where do they show responsibility or empathy? Reinforcing their strengths builds their confidence and helps them feel more capable of growth. In turn, they begin to trust themselves more, which is key to positive change.

𝑪𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒇𝒚 𝑩𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝑨𝒔𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈. Assumptions can get you into trouble, especially with teenagers. Before jumping to conclusions about your teen’s behavior, ask for clarification.

Maybe they’re going through something that you don’t know about. Instead of assuming the worst, seek to understand their perspective.

𝑮𝒐 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝑩𝒆𝒔𝒕. Rather than constantly trying to prevent the worst from happening, aim for your child’s best. Focus on what’s possible for them and encourage that vision.

It doesn’t mean you ignore reality or fail to address issues, but shifting your mindset to possibilities will open the door for growth and transformation.

Ultimately, changing your thoughts will change your reality. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect, but rather about framing your experiences in a way that encourages positive outcomes. When you add action to these new thoughts, you’ll become unstoppable, and you’ll your teen may just begin to follow.