Letting go feels like giving up. But is it really?

I’ll give it to you straight, right here in the first line.

𝑳𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒈𝒐 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒑. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒙 𝒊𝒕 (whatever ‘it’ is). 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚.

Not really. You know I can’t leave it like that, and I already hear your questions:

• How can I let go when my kid is doing poorly in school?
• How can I let go when they’re spending so damn much time on the phone or gaming?
• How can I let go when I don’t like their friends?
• How can I let go when they’re so disrespectful?
• How can I let go when they don’t live up to my hopes and expectations?

Let’s take a closer look. I’ll go first.

𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑪𝑬𝑶 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆; 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆; 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆.
💠Infertility.
💠Adoption.
💠Learning differences.
💠Broken dreams.
💠Off-track child.
💠Jobs I hated.

Ultimately, I had to adjust to a new reality and go from there. I could cry and rage (and did). 𝑽𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒃𝒆 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍; 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕.

So, when you ‘let go’, then what? How can you make it different from ‘giving up’?
1. Examine the situation and ask, “What’s in my control? What’s not?” Be realistic.
2. Remember that you make and enforce decisions about what goes on in your home and in your presence. Once they walk out the door, it’s out of your hands.
3. If you’re having trouble with enforcement and consistency, examine the situation. Is it that important?
a. If yes, what other approach can you take?
b. If not, what would you focus on instead?

The bottom line is that something’s got to give and it’s probably going to be you. Talking to a wall just isn’t working, so why keep doing it?

𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒑 𝒖𝒑 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒅𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 '𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕' 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. The better thing. The thing you want because you know better and you had their life all planned out for them.

I’m still learning and growing. This is the work of a lifetime.
I’ve discovered that my dreams for my children may not be best for them. They have their own path and will figure it out, one way or another.

I know now that maintaining a loving, honest, and respectful relationship with them is more important than anything else. (Some days are better than others. That’s the way it goes.)

𝑻𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒔, 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔. It erodes trust and connection, and I don’t get what I want anyway.

Over the years I’ve figured out what works better. I work on it, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, depending upon what’s going on.

𝑳𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒈𝒐 = 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒙 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 (𝒏𝒐𝒓 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖).

𝑳𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒈𝒐 = 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒕.

𝑰𝒕 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒔 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒑. There is always another way, as long as you don’t insist on things going your way.

Your children are too precious for your ego to get in the way.

𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒅𝒖𝒍𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝑺𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒍.