To Poke the Bear, or Not

I didn’t want to poke the bear, to make waves, to be in conflict.

So, I avoided confronting my teen (and pretty much everyone). And in doing so, I made everything worse. 

It’s a concept called 𝙃𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙤𝙣𝙮 𝙊𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙏𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝. The thing is that I didn’t have harmony; I had anxiety.

𝙈𝙮 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙮, 𝙩𝙤𝙤, because I didn’t provide what he really needed from me: a mother who acted with the courage to provide what was truly better for him, to move through my fear.

I was the opposite of a leader. So many bears (fears) in my life, and I just wanted them to go away.

𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙜𝙤 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢. 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙮 𝙛𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙗𝙞𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙝𝙪𝙜𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨. 

Fast forward, past interventions, parenting programs, therapy and coaching.

Do I welcome conflict now? Not exactly. 

𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙤 𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙧𝙜𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚. 

𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚 – to feel fear and do the scary thing anyway. 

𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨 – to protect me and to quietly and respectfully transfer responsibility to my children. 

𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 – to speak with little to no emotion, when necessary, in a way they could hear and accept. 

𝙄 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙪𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙣, 𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙧𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙨𝙩. 

No sugar-coating, it’s been a long and difficult road. And there are still bears.

Only now I know better and do better.

And when I need help, I ask for it pretty quickly.

𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪? When do you hide to avoid conflict and truth? 

𝙄𝙩’𝙨 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙥 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙤 ‘𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙥 𝙪𝙥’. 𝙄𝙩’𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣.

Your turn to be the leader. 

Email 𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙖 𝙋𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝘾𝙖𝙡𝙡. ([email protected])

The best time to do this is now. Your power is in this very moment.

I want your journey to take a fraction of the time mine did.

𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙙 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙠𝙞𝙙𝙨, 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨. 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙠𝙞𝙙𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙥 𝙪𝙥.