Honey, I shrunk the kid (her motivation, that is).

#communication criticism curiosity grades motivation negativity not good enough self-esteem Oct 20, 2025

 

 

“Four As and a B- in math. That’s a good report card, but… how are we going to get that math grade up?”

 
Has that  conversation ever taken place in your home? Something like it did in mine, back in middle school. Looking back, I can now say, “Honey, I shrunk our kid.”
 
𝑡𝒐𝒕 π’ˆπ’π’π’… π’†π’π’π’–π’ˆπ’‰ π’Šπ’” 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’–π’π’”π’‘π’π’Œπ’†π’ π’Žπ’†π’”π’”π’‚π’ˆπ’† I sent… unintentionally. It also said, “I know you can do better than that.” For those of you who see today’s problem as tomorrow’s disaster, the message also included, “How will you ever get into your first-choice college with 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 on your transcript?”
 
Not focusing on the B- doesn’t mean you ignore it. Maybe this subject will always be challenging, or maybe there are more steps to take. That being said, the sad truth is that π’˜π’‰π’†π’ π’šπ’π’– 𝒇𝒐𝒄𝒖𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’•π’‰π’Šπ’π’ˆ 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 π’Šπ’”π’’𝒕 100%, π’šπ’π’– π’•π’‚π’Œπ’† π’‚π’˜π’‚π’š π’šπ’π’–π’“ π’„π’‰π’Šπ’π’…’𝒔 π’Žπ’π’•π’Šπ’—π’‚π’•π’Šπ’π’ 𝒕𝒐 π’˜π’π’“π’Œ 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 π’•π’‰π’Šπ’π’ˆ. What you focus on grows, and the negativity around math (or any deficit), will grow.
 
How do you address the B- in a more productive way?
 
In my work with parents, we come back to having a conversation. 𝑨 π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“π’‡π’–π’ π’„π’π’π’—π’†π’“π’”π’‚π’•π’Šπ’π’ π’Šπ’π’„π’π’–π’…π’†π’” π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“π’‡π’–π’ π’’π’–π’†π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’π’”.
 
These questions help your child understand her feelings and motivation. They help shift responsibility to her, and eventually to build healthy self-esteem, instead of shrinking her down.
 
𝑯𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“π’‡π’–π’ π’’π’–π’†π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’π’” 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 ‘𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒅’ π’„π’π’π’—π’†π’“π’”π’‚π’•π’Šπ’π’:
  1. How do you feel about your report card this marking period?
  2. Which grade represents a real achievement for you? Why?
  3. Which subject was challenging?
  4. Where could you use some help, and who can you ask for that help?
  5. What did you enjoy most? Why?
  6. How would you rate your overall effort? (1-10)
  7. Where could you have done more? What got in the way?
 
Look at the questions again. What do they have in common?
  • π‘»π’‰π’†π’š 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒏-𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒅 π’’π’–π’†π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’π’”, which require thought and a deeper understanding. (When you ask a yes/no question, yes or no is all you’ll get.)
  • 𝑡𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 π’’π’–π’†π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’π’” π’Šπ’” π’‹π’–π’…π’ˆπ’Žπ’†π’π’•π’‚π’ 𝒐𝒓 π’„π’“π’Šπ’•π’Šπ’„π’‚π’. You’ve asked for your child’s thoughts on her performance and effort.
  • When asking open-ended questions, π’Šπ’•’𝒔 π’šπ’π’–π’“ π’„π’‰π’Šπ’π’… π’˜π’‰π’ 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’•π’‰π’Šπ’π’Œπ’Šπ’π’ˆ 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇-π’†π’™π’‚π’Žπ’Šπ’π’‚π’•π’Šπ’π’. You are not speaking for her.
 
These powerful questions, and your child’s answers, give her the chance to become a problem-solver. When you step back from offering solutions, 𝒔𝒉𝒆 π’ˆπ’“π’‚π’…π’–π’‚π’π’π’š 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒐 π’•π’‚π’Œπ’† π’Žπ’π’“π’† π’“π’†π’”π’‘π’π’π’”π’Šπ’ƒπ’Šπ’π’Šπ’•π’š 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇, 𝒉𝒆𝒓 π’…π’†π’„π’Šπ’”π’Šπ’π’π’” 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓 π’π’†π’‚π’“π’π’Šπ’π’ˆ.
 
As for the B- in math, these questions help her find her own answers to that problem, if indeed it is a problem. It’s possible the B- is the best grade she’ll earn in that subject. (If so, the problem becomes yours, not hers. Something to think about…)
 
π‘³π’Šπ’”π’•π’†π’ π’Žπ’π’“π’†. π‘Ίπ’‚π’š 𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔. 𝑨𝒅𝒅 π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“π’‡π’–π’ π’’π’–π’†π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’π’”.
 

Put an end to ‘not good enough’ and shrinking the kid.

 

 

 

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