Stop Arguing with Reality: Positive Strategies for Parenting Teens

Byron Katie, creator of ‘The Work,’ wisely says, “When you argue with reality, you lose... 100% of the time.” This is especially true for parents who find themselves 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙛 "𝙞𝙛 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮."

It’s an easy trap to fall into when you think, "If only my teenager would..." and try to force your reality into a mold that simply doesn’t exist. When we argue with what is, we become stuck, unable to make progress, and frustrated that nothing is changing.

Many parents complain about their child’s behavior, spending hours dwelling on what they wish was different. I used to be one of them, too.

Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking: "If only my teen took school more seriously," or "I can't stand the way she speaks to me," or "If only he would grow up!" These thoughts, while common, do nothing but amplify frustration and make it harder to respond to your teen in a neutral, supportive way.

𝙈𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙩, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙩 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙘𝙠 exactly where you don't want to be. How do you break this pattern and start making positive changes?

1. 𝙎𝙩𝙤𝙥 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜. The first step is to make a conscious decision to stop arguing with reality. Complaining focuses on what you don’t want, creating a negative mindset.

Instead, shift your language to focus on what you want to happen. For example, instead of saying, "If only he cared more about school," try shifting your thought to, "I’d love to see him invest more in his education, and I’m here to support that."

2. 𝘾𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙏𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝘾𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮. The power of thought cannot be underestimated. The stories we tell ourselves shape how we feel and how we react to situations.

Instead of dwelling on your teen’s perceived shortcomings, shift your focus to what you’d like to experience. If your mind is constantly replaying "she never listens," you're setting yourself up to only see that behavior

3. 𝙈𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨. Words are incredibly powerful. Once spoken, they can’t be unsaid, and even the sincerest apology doesn’t erase their impact.

Speak slowly and thoughtfully, especially when emotions are high. Taking a pause before responding can make all the difference between escalating a situation or finding a solution.

4. 𝙁𝙤𝙘𝙪𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙜𝙩𝙝𝙨. We often spend too much time emphasizing the challenges our kids face. Instead, start focusing on their strengths.

What are they good at? Where do they show responsibility or empathy? Reinforcing their strengths builds their confidence and helps them feel more capable of growth. In turn, they begin to trust themselves more, which is key to positive change.

5. 𝘾𝙡𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙛𝙮 𝘽𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝘼𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜. Assumptions can get you into trouble, especially with teenagers. Before jumping to conclusions about your teen’s behavior, ask for clarification.

Maybe they’re going through something that you don’t know about. Instead of assuming the worst, seek to understand their perspective.

6. 𝙂𝙤 𝙁𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙨𝙩. Rather than constantly trying to prevent the worst from happening, aim for your child’s best. Focus on what’s possible for them and encourage that vision.

It doesn’t mean you ignore reality or fail to address issues, but shifting your mindset toward possibilities will open the door for growth and transformation.

Ultimately, changing your thoughts will change your reality. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect, but rather about 𝙛𝙧𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙨 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙨. When you add action to these new thoughts, you’ll become unstoppable.

So, how can you stop living in the land of "if only" and start living in the land of possibility? Start by shifting your mindset, and the changes you seek in your teen will begin to follow.