When Tough Love Goes Wrong

Tough love. There's lots of talk about it, especially from people who mean well when you share your concerns about your kids. 

The old definition of tough love was "No more, we're done, you're out of here." 

There are some kids who turn it around with that ultimatum. And there are plenty who don’t. Either way, there can be long-term fallout.

A mom confided that her 19-year-old son lives at home, doesn’t work or go to school. He refuses to help around the house and berates her. Her well-intentioned friends offered advice and support, including ‘kick him out.’ It’s an extreme decision, not to mention heart-breaking.

By the way, tough love is hard on the kids AND it’s tough on parents. That’s another reason to call it tough love.

Remember that the true goal of punishment, consequences, and tough love is for our kids to learn something to help them be more successful - at school, work, relationships, and loving themselves. 

When kids behave badly, it’s usually because something is going on that they don't know how to fix. They may not even know what it is, only that they're stuck and hurting.

It could be the need for good old-fashioned limits and boundaries, or about mental health issues and social pressures. But when the first option is 'kick him out', you’re starting with the option of last resort.

If you’re thinking, this is mushy psychobabble, how would you answer these questions?

    * How happy are you really with yourself?
    * Where do you struggle? (Everybody has something they struggle with.
    * Do you carry wounds from your own growing up years, from your parents? They did the best they knew how, but how did that work out for you?

Yes, you’re a functioning, responsible adult. Still, there are hurts that nobody talks about, that people push down so as not to feel pain or disloyalty to their parents. 

Make no mistake, eventually they show up, somewhere, and it's no fun when they do. This is not what you want to pass along to your children.

Back to the mom and her 19-year-old. What will he learn if she 'tough loves him' and kicks him out without trying other strategies first?

    * She’s given up on me.
    * She doesn’t understand what’s really going on.
    * I am alone and lost.   
    * What am I supposed to learn from this?
    * Is this what love looks like?

Mom feels helpless. Kicking her son out might seem like the only option because she doesn’t know what other options there are. And she’s heard so much about tough love, maybe it’s just what this kid needs.

Feeling powerless to change a situation or to influence someone causes people to make extreme, emotionally based decisions.

Another reminder: you can’t change the person you love. You can only change how YOU show up.

When your child behaves badly, you do have power, personal power. Time for you to get stronger and wiser; to set boundaries and limits and stick to them.

You cannot control your child’s behavior, but you can learn to manage your reactions and responses, to be loving and firm. Yes, those two things can go together.

Your job is to prepare your child for the adult world by creating real world opportunities to learn to be self-sufficient, productive, and respectful. 

That takes time and practice. Seek guidance. Your child is counting on you to show him the way. There are many steps before the tough love ‘kick him out’ that can break the cycle and transform all your lives.

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P.S. I’m happy to get you started. Apply for a complimentary 30-minute Parent Discovery Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.